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the Human Empathy Project
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NEW Stories

Being an Ally to the LGBT+ Community

10/17/2019

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What does it take to be an ally? I love this list from the GLAAD website that shows ten ways you can be an ally to your LGBTQIA+ community.
 
1.Be a listener.
2.Be open-minded.
3.Be willing to talk.
4.Be inclusive and invite LGBT friends to hang out with your friends and family.
5.Don't assume that all your friends and co-workers are straight. Someone close to you could be looking for support in their coming-out process. Not making assumptions will give them the space they need. (I’ll add - Don’t assume pronouns or that everyone identifies as man or woman).
6.Anti-LGBT comments and jokes are harmful. Let your friends, family, and co-workers know that you find them offensive.
7.Confront your own prejudices and bias, even if it is uncomfortable to do so.
8.Defend your LGBT friends against discrimination.
9.Believe that all people should be treated with dignity and respect, including those who identify as a different gender or sexual orientation from you
10.If you see LGBT people being misrepresented in the media, contact glaad.org.

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Let’s focus for a moment on that seventh step, “Confront your own prejudices and bias.” What an important component to be an ally! Often people who present themselves as allies unknowingly act in a way that can make queer people feel uncomfortable, unwelcome, or unseen. While the intent may not be to harm anyone with your words or actions, it can still be damaging to the person on the receiving end of your behaviors. The truth is, straight and cisgender people can’t fully relate to being a queer person, and vice versa. It’s inevitable that this will create blind spots and potentially cause any well-meaning ally to act insensitively. As a person who identifies as straight or cisgender, how do you check your privilege? 
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1. Are you aware of how much space you are taking up? 
  • When you come into a queer space such as a bar, performance, or pride parade, are you making it about you? Are your words belittling to those in the space? “Oh my gosh, you guys are so cute in your little outfits.” “I love that I can come here and not get hit on.” “This is so interesting and different from straight bars!” Imagine someone coming into your space that is meant to feel safe and welcoming, and then commenting on aspects of it as if you are on display. It would feel diminishing. It would feel invasive. It would even feel demeaning at times. You may not have realized the impact of your words because being straight has historically been “the norm” so there aren’t these moments of someone commenting on “your lifestyle.” Sometimes we intend for our words to convey acceptance when instead they reinforce the insecurities of “being different” and/or unwelcome.
2. Do you minimize a person’s queerness?
  • Have you ever said something along the lines of, “I don’t even notice your sexuality. I just treat you like a person.” Or “I don’t think of y’all as a gay couple. You’re just a couple to me.” Maybe you are even guilty of saying, “I don’t mind that you are gay. Just don’t do that stuff around me.” Minimizing someone’s existence is not enlightening or accepting. It’s making someone smaller to fit your own comfortability. You don’t have to be at the other end of the spectrum where you are only identifying your loved on as their sexuality. “My gay friend…” “Her lesbian daughter…”Identifying someone strictly based on there sexuality can be hurtful and demeaning. Notice if you are acknowledging that our sexuality and gender are big parts of our identity, or if you are minimizing this. 
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3. Do you hold your LGBTQIA+ loved ones to a certain and/or unrealistic standard? 
  • How has media influenced your views on the LGBT community? Are you expecting someone to be a “power lesbian” who always has it together, a “witty and funny gay guy” who says “Biiiitch” before every wise and willful comment? These are stereotypes that can be harmful. Absolutely there are queer people with big personalities that should be celebrated, but everyone has a different personality and that doesn’t stop with the LGBT community. Notice if you are overgeneralizing a certain personality. Are you allowing your loved ones to fail, hurt, feel insecure, be introverted, and be more than just your fun-loving sidekick? Are you expecting someone who identifies as LGBTQIA+ to be an expert of the community? It’s important to note that just because someone has come out to you doesn’t mean they are now the LGBT spokesperson and educator in your life. 
4. Are you part of the fight?
  • We have a long way to go in terms of rights, laws and overall cultural shifts in how America and the world treats the LGBT community. Are you actively involved in LGBT issues, and using your platform to move the ball forward? Are you stepping outside of your comfort zone to stand up for your LGBT family and friends? Are you using your privilege to create a space to lift people in the queer community up and give them a voice? Are you supporting LGBT artists, activists, and businesses by paying for their services and not asking for their labor to be free? Being an ally is more than having a queer friend. It can be easy to hide behind your privilege, but who are you harming by staying silent? You don’t have to drop everything in your life and solely focus on LGBT rights. But you can be a part of the change by contributing to the cause whenever and however it is possible. You don’t have to be a therapist, counselor, or activist all the time. Just show up for your queer community. 
 
 
Take a moment to explore these questions for yourself. You may choose to ask your queer friends and family their experience of you. Remember to be open hearted to their feedback. If you find that you have hurt your friend, apologize and repair it. Taking responsibility for your actions and working to fix it is showing love and support. Confronting your bias can be uncomfortable, but necessary. Challenge yourself to always be open to growth and learning. 

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Reflections: The United Methodist Church Decision on Human Sexuality

4/19/2019

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Photo by SwapnIl Dwivedi on Unsplash
Last month, the United Methodist Church voted to uphold its ban on gay and lesbian clergy and same-sex marriage. However, the majority of the Methodist leaders in the US are supportive of same-sex couples and voted to change the church’s position.

The closeness of the vote—53 percent to 47 percent—is reflective of the number of Christian pastors and leaders in the US who have studied the same scriptures, and concluded that same-sex marriage is compatible with Christian teaching. Which raises the question, “How is it possible for prayerful, faithful Christians to study the same Biblical texts, and yet arrive at different conclusions?”

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What is Empathy?

3/2/2019

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The word ‘empathy’ gets thrown around a lot these days, but what does it really mean? Let’s start with what empathy is not. Empathy is not feeling sorry or pity for someone. It’s not feeling sympathy, which is feeling compassion for what someone is going through. It’s also not mind reading! Empathy is not simply offering verbal affirmations when you know someone is hurt or upset, and it’s not trying to fix or problem-solve someone’s emotional experiences. Empathy is also not just a base level of understanding; it moves beyond understanding and experiencing something intellectually to actually feeling the experience in your body and heart as well. 
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If sympathy is feeling for, empathy is feeling with. 
​If you are empathizing, you’ll feel the feelings that you’d actually be experiencing if you were going through what someone else is. One definition that I love comes from Brené Brown: “Empathy is simply listening, holding space, withholding judgement, emotionally connecting, and communicating that incredibly healing message of you’re not alone.” Empathy is moving beyond being a witness to a sense of withness. When people experience your empathy, they’re less likely to feel alone or invalidated. St. Benedict also said it beautifully: “Listen and attend with the ear of your heart.” 

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January 31st, 2019

1/31/2019

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Caleb's Story: 

A Catholic Gay Perspective on My Relationship with God

“God knows that I have been naive, but I think it makes Him proud of me.” 
-Sleeping At Last
Jesus loves me, this I know, for the Bible tells me so.
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     As a child growing up in Catholic school, I heard this song a lot. As it was hammered into me, day in and day out, I held the lyric as a foundation as my faith grew up around it. It started with pure and simple thinking about how God (the overarching name of God the Father, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit) would always love me. It seemed a very easy fact to put into my knowledge bank. God loves me, I get it Ms. Riley, now onto the next lesson. Subtraction seems to be a little hard--can’t we focus on that a little longer?

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Some kids struggled with this lesson more than me.
Justin: But what if I am bad?
Ms. Riley: He loves you.
Nick: What if I am different?
Ms. Riley: He loves you.

     
     To misquote a favorite novel of mine: God will love you in a box, with a fox, He will love you here AND there. He will love you ANYWHERE. It’s not that hard, people. There aren’t exceptions. No loopholes. God loves you.  




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Gena talks with Krista Xiomara, host of "I'm Awake, Now What?"

7/30/2018

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Empathy as a Superpower?

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Photo by Irina Hess
Recently Krista Xiomara invited me to be a guest on her splashy new podcast "I'm Awake, Now What?" where we tour the in's and out's of empathy and Christian practices. In Part One, we discuss the neuroscience of empathy and what happens in our brain when we feel another's pain. At one point Krista comments, "So empathy is like a superpower!" And that idea makes us laugh (and cry) because, of course, superpowers can either grow us or destroy us.

"Superpowers can either grow us
​or destroy us."

​​It's not life-giving to experience each other's pain unless we know what to do with it. And because social pain travels some of the same neural pathways as physical pain, it impacts our physical health. But we're living in an exciting time where we're coming to understand what to do with pain so it grows us (instead of destroys us). Through fMRI technology, we can watch our gray matter growing in real time as new synaptic connections are formed through practices like prayer, meditation, and empathetic interactions with others. Today's science is reintroducing us to what Christian communities have known for centuries:  spiritual practices transform our pain.

It may sound simple, but it's not easy; the trails leading to spiritual health and wellness are not always places we're inclined to go which is why we guides pointing out the trails. For the Christian, this is we mean by "following Jesus". Without a trail guide, our brains and bodies have the tendency to wander about, untethered to the spirit of Christ in us, mistaking own personal likes and dislikes for divine moral imperatives. In Part Two, we discuss the implications of this by examining the use of the word "homosexuality" in modern English translations. Empathy is an essential companion for anyone who wishes to read and understand the scriptures plainly and apply their wisdom to the health and wellness of ourselves and our neighbors.

For more on Biblical interpretation and empathy, the Human Empathy Project has compiled some additional resources. Listen to the full episodes of my conversation with Krista on "I'm Awake, Now What". And if you're a pastor, faith leader, or Christian parent of an LGBTQ+ loved one in need of a confidential place to talk, check out our free, private consultations.

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Gena Minnix, PhD is  a counselor, educator, and researcher on faculty at the Seminary of the Southwest, in Austin, TX, and co-founder of the Human Empathy Project. 

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Torn: Rescuing the Gospel from the Gay vs. Christians Debate (by Justin Lee)

5/1/2017

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Book Review: Torn by Justin Lee
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Justin’s Lee’s captivating book Torn  combines autobiography, history, culture, and faith to address the schism between the gay community and the Christian community in a very personable way.

The book begins by following self-proclaimed “God Boy” Justin through his teen years as he slowly discovers he is a gay man. As a faithful, prayer Christian and a gay man, Justin finds himself in a “unique position to bring peace”. I found this book to be an insightful read for Christian readers, gay readers, and especially gay Christian readers struggling with their “torn” identities.

​Lee provides a welcoming space where all viewpoints (even ones that differ from his own) can be heard, respected, and even celebrated. The book addresses several topics, including the following:
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My Inspirational Journey

4/24/2017

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Experiencing the GCN Conference
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The first thought that crossed my mind when I entered the auditorium at the Gay Christian Network’s opening night was “I can’t believe how many people are here.” For years I have been saying to myself that I was the only one of my kind; a Christian who is also a gay man. One of the nights of the Gay Christian Network Conference is spent with people who attended the conference getting the chance to express how the conference has affected them.

“This was a place where all ideas/perspectives were heard and respected.
A place where differing opinions were valued.”


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It Came as a Surprise

4/3/2017

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Welcome to the Human Empathy Project
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PicturePhoto by Nate Dumlao
The story of the Human Empathy Project is a mystery, suspense, drama, action-adventure, and love story, all rolled into one. I like things I can observe and study, things like our brains and bodies, health and wellness. That doesn’t always leave much room for the unexplainable. But one Fall day in 2012, something happened to me that I couldn't explain and it came as a total surprise.
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As a Christian person, I'd always been taught that gay love was harmful and that prayer and therapy could help a gay person either:
  1. Change their sexual attractions
  2. Remain celibate
  3. Find contentment marrying the opposite gender


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Our Story

3/27/2017

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How We Began​

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The Human Empathy Project was born one day when a group of diverse friends came together to learn more about the crossroads of Christian beliefs and LGBT affirmation. We began gathering monthly dinner conversations around a common table, sharing food and stories from our lives and experiences of God, faith, relationships, and community.

Some were people of faith and some were people who did not identify with any particular religion, or who’d had really hurtful experiences in church. Some folks identified as LGBT and/or gay Christians... and some were heterosexual folks who’d never even sat int the same room as a married gay couple before.

​“When the ground is uneven...

empathy must always flow downhill.”

We slowly came to discover two important things.

First, if we think of empathy as a stream of water, then when the ground is even and level, ideally empathy will flow both ways. However, when the ground is uneven, due to inequality or marginalization or judgement, then empathy must always flow downhill. Call it the “law of empathy” if you will. So if empathy ever flows uphill, then we can say it’s being extremely generous. That. I think, needs to be understood really well from the start.
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The second thing we learned is this: Empathy flourishes when there is no other agenda. This was actually pretty surprising to learn because we often do have agendas we may not always recognize. As an evangelical Christian, I’m often inclined to think God wants me to say or do a particular thing, to try to influence someone else’s view of faith, etc. but that’s not how empathy works.
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“Empathy flourishes when there is
​no other agenda.”
One of the gay married Christian couples at our dinners actually got really frustrated with the celibate gay Christians who were coming. They were like, Why are you so committed to celibacy? Aren’t you just repressing yourself? We talked it through as an empathy practice and that was actually really powerful, diverse folks came to trust one another. They saw that everyone who was coming to these dinners was being extremely thoughtful about their lives, their relationships, their spiritual health and wellness. God can help each of us discern together and come to trust one another and the spirit when we gently set aside our agendas and simply try to listen and understand each other's unique experiences.
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Here’s another example. Some of our LGBT friends who came to our dinners shared that they found it extremely difficult to sit in the room and share a meal with pastors and ministers because of how deeply they’d been hurt by the church. As a result of the conversations, they came to understand some of the vulnerabilities of the pastors, that they’re just people, with feelings and loyalties and complex lives, and that mutual understanding seemed really helpful and even healing for some.

Another example of profound empathy occurred when a heterosexual couple at one of our dinners commented that they felt baffled by bisexuality. They asked the group around the table, “If someone’s bi, does that mean they need to seek out both genders to feel satisfied in life?” We discussed this and it turns out, this is is common misunderstanding about bisexuality. Those who feel attracted across genders actually tell us they are as desiring of a committed monogamous relationship as anyone else; when they fall in love with someone, it's no different than when a heterosexual person falls in love and wants to marry or commit themselves to a partner.

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Slowly through practicing mutual empathy and getting to know one another’s stories, understanding grew. One person who'd been coming to our dinners decided to go back to church. A few friends came out to themselves. One couple got engaged to be married. Several people said they found the conversations healing.
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Photo by Connor Baker on Unsplash
It’s not about everyone agreeing. For Christians, there's this idea called the "priesthood of all believers", it's important to our faith. It means we’re each responsible to pray and figure out what the scripture means and what the spirit's doing in our lives. So we can stay open, and empathetic, to each other. It relieves the pressure we often feel to try to change each other’s minds.
​

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​Click here to listen to Gena share the vision for the Human Empathy Project.


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Gena Minnix, PhD is a counselor, educator, and faculty member at the Seminary of the Southwest, in Austin, TX, and co-founder of the Human Empathy Project.


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